For the past 15 years I've navigated the suburbs on my brother's old mountain bike. My riding partner bought a brand new ride so I decided to upgrade mine to keep up with the Jones's (or in this case the Christenson's).
On line shopping has left me amused and perplexed by mountain bike names. Most are descriptively appropriate like the "Rock Hopper", "Boulder", and the "Stump Jumper". Considering my riding aptitude, others seem a tad sadistic like the "Scream", "Slayer" "Stab" and if you've stopped your meds cold turkey, try the "Stab Deluxe." There's nothing like hitting the trails on your "Azonic Eliminator" or the neighborhood friendly "Assault". These labels sound more like Vin Diesel's weapons of mass destruction during an apocalyptic temper tantrum than a way to return overdue library books. I doubt I'd feel comfortable traversing the cul-de-sac or installing a kickstand on any one of these criminally punishable offenses.
Some manufacturers clearly enlist the help of inebriated frat boys during rush week to determine their new model names. Take, for instance, the Salsa "El Mariachi", "Loco Moto" and the "Hoss". None of them conjure up images of strength and athleticism in my pointed little head.
One bike maker, Gary Fisher, proudly brings us the "Mullet", "PhD" and "Opie" (now there's an interesting dinner party). My personal favorite, the "Hoo Koo E Koo", sounds more like a Polynesian mating ritual for exotic birds than a bicycle. What exactly is a Hoo Koo E Koo and do I really want to sit on it while wearing spandex? My guess is Gary came up with the much more benign "Level Betty" following a stint in rehab and a reproving look from his mother.
I thought fate had intervened when I happened upon the Kona "Four Lisa". It's aptly titled considering there's only four Lisa's on earth who'd be willing to shell out $1349 for a not so lightly used mountain bike.
Even more unsettling than the bike names are the people selling them and the ads they place. One recent asylum escapee offered to trade his Kona "Kikapu" for FIREARMS (I'm not making this up)! Shouldn't we all be afraid he'll Kikapu out of some unsuspecting schmuck if he's packing heat instead of a bike? Adding to my concern is the surprisingly counter intuitive biking lingo. Some of the most hyped-up, costly bikes have been simply marketed as "Sicko bike, won't last." Some thing's sicko all right, but I don't think it's the bike.
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2 comments:
You always make me laugh. If I'm having a bad day, all I need to do is call you!! :)
You are too dang funny!! Suz and I are still hurting from laughing!! You need to do stand-up comedy!! You'll make millions!
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