While scrutinizing a pair of patent leather, peek toe (or is it "peep toe?") Mary Janes at the mall, I narrowly escaped physical assault by four elderly ladies, one wheelchair bound. As I assessed my ability to command the 3 1/2 inch heel, this gaggle of gals clad in polyester pant suits and far east fuchsia lipstick began hollering "Excuse me. Excuuuse me!"
Since I've been subjected to lifelong indoctrination regarding respect for my elders I approached the clan assuming they thought I was a salesperson. A most baffling conversation ensued when one of them bedazzled in rhinestones and reeking of menthol said "I really like your shirt, where did you get it?"
"Here," I casually replied "A couple of years ago."
Mincing no words she boldly inquired "How much was it?"
Curiosity dulled my flight instinct and I stupidly answered "It was $27.50 on clearance in the 2nd floor Junior's dept."
Without batting a false eyelash she shot back "I'll give you ten bucks for it." (Keep in mind Tijuana Tillie had me by 40 years, 80 lbs and at least 4 cup sizes).
Wanting to make the trek back to my car in something other than my drawers, I politely declined, avoided eye contact and started backing slowly away. Sadly this ploy only works on charging bulls, visiting in-laws and amorous elk during rut season.
Just when I thought I'd escaped, another one slurred "The shirt's ugly. It's the necklace I want."
What?! Overlooking the backhanded compliment my eyes darted nervously through the lingerie section for Ashton Kutcher, a hidden camera, and the rest of the "Punk'd" team. But before I could respond she aimed her gnarled arthritic finger just shy of my left eye and exclaimed "I'll give you fifteen dollars, period. That's all I have on me and I have to buy something now!"
At this point I'm thinking either:
a) They've secured the lead in the senior center sponsored scavenger hunt
or
b) The Golden Girls recently returned from a Mexican Riviera cruise and haven't resumed U.S. shopping etiquette.
Just then I noticed the smirking Clinique Cosmetics employee watching the fiasco and immediately kicked into Darwinian survival mode. Shamelessly pointing to the twenty something almost blond, I turned to the pack of bartering blue haired babes and said "I'm sure SHE has something to sell you."
Floral blouse $27.50, turquoise necklace $125. Leaving the mall with my clothes on...priceless.
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6 comments:
Thanks for the laugh. You always do make me laugh ya know!!!
I absolutely love it. I'm still cracking up! I gotta read that one again.
What a crazy story. Although, I must admit I will take your cute wrap dress..you know the one:)
Yeah, I found it again (your blog). You are a talented writer, love it!!
Yeah, maybe I sould print that out and give it to Miss Molla! I thought you would enjoy that cartoon. I actually posted it in honor of Ryan. He has a real problem with people that give out toothbrushes & such. I also must admit I bought playdough to pass out...a little more exciting than raisins right?
Lisa, I just found your blog from Natalie's. What a funny story, you are such a good writer!
Suzanne (Wade)
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